Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Calm down, i'm just 23

4.5years living in shanghai, at one of the world fastest growing city is the best decision I’ve made. I was just a high school graduate back when I decided it. I used to think that this earth revolved around me as the center. I was easily satisfied and never mind how the society is busy growing outside. But my main reason at that moment is that I don’t feel comfortable at home and I want to live peacefully by myself. My hometown gave me too many family issue that I hate. Living far away and looking for my own comfort zone gave me a fresh startup for my life.

Thanks god I was surrounded by enthusiast people in Shanghai. My environment has gave me a huge motivation, open up my eyes and contribute so much to the life path I’ve choose and the person I am today. Apart from the responsible as a college student, I was actively participate in student association inside and outside college. Knowing great people, learn to work in team, sharing ideas, developing things might looks simple but have polish me in many different ways. Each accomplishment teaches me to create things, solve problems, working efficiently, to gain power from others, work as a team, gain confident and trust in public. 

Thank you Fudan and KJRI to provide students a platform to grow themselves. And I personally would like to thanks Farand, who has been my motivator, the one who encourage me and given me a foundation to up grow beyond myself. I was a desperately lack of confident kind of person but he sees the good side of me and always tell me why I could do better than others. I never realize how I should appreciate him as I gain his trust without trying to pursue it. People said I would have taken him for granted. I admit I am way too selfish to received too much more from him that I gave him too less. It sounds bullshit if I said I didn’t do it intentionally. But, I will never forgot his support and care toward me as a crawling baby who is still lost finding her own way. I really appreciate that I met him in shanghai. I could be like this today all because of him. Sadly, I never have a chance to thank him genuinely, I regret not to treat him better when I’ve lost him. I hope one day he could read this and tell me what could I do to pay him back. Even though I have no courage to see him again in any time, but I genuinely want thank you Far.

Life was never stop learning back in Shanghai. The more I met people, the more I compare myself to them. The good point is I will never stop learning and find way to develop myself until I reach the same level with them. It brings me good but at one point it brings me bad. I was working hard between school and projects that I merely have time to relax with no weekends for months. Continuing meeting and planning until I get hospitalized once due to over tiring. Thinking back of it, it was funny yet accomplishing. I didn’t waste my time and any penny my family gave to send me abroad. Because in Shanghai, there are abundance of opportunities for you to try and fail.

I was 19 when I first work as a part time translator. Nervous of course. I was guiding a business man for a city tour and I won’t forget that I have him as my teacher and my mom who is on holiday that wait for me to finish work in the middle of winter. I was way more than blessed. :’). A business translator, exhibition assistant, travel guide, MC, dancers, association presidents, dance instructor, language teacher, assistance in office as an intern and many more, all these precious experience brings me cash and significant self-development. Just rewind back and I never thought I would have tried this much. I’m kinda and proud now haha.

I am grateful that by the time I left college, I was equipped with experiences on my CV and confidence on interview. That i am ready to join the society and bring the best of my self. Today at the end of February, I have been living in Bali for more than 6 months. I might encountered some twist while applying for job but I got a job at the end of my graduation. That is because I was panic, seeing my classmates were busy working on their future and having offer on their hand a year before our graduation. See, environment works precisely on me. I wouldn’t be rush if I were not between them.

My first official work was in the hospitality industry. I am totally clueless with Bali’s hospitality back then, I just throw my CV to all high rated hotel in tripadvisor. I looked kind of desperate didn’t i? My effort bring me to Ayana, a top listed resort in Bali as a guest relation. To be honest, I have no idea what guest relation is even after I finish my interview with the GM! But I know they are satisfied with my background and interviews.

Within these 6months, life was filled with ups and down, merry and anger. I like my job because I have the opportunity to learn directly from the executives, due to they need my language skill while handling big cases happen in the hotel. Meanwhile, as a front liner I represent the hotel, all my performance and words should resemble a five star resort. I learn a lot how to maintain calm and professional even when you are handling an annoying guest. I like my team, as they are cooperating and fun, with no colleagues stab back, I like working with them even they like gossiping others. I like the ambience of my office. There is obviously huge pressure for mandarin speaker in Ayana but I gain respect and appreciation from my team. Those make me worth the hard work.

But at one point, I am bored with it because I find it lacks of challenge, and I demand something more than that. I still have space to improve my job professionally as a guest relation, but I found no space for something new to learn. I might have been in my comfort zone now, but still I always compare myself to others professionally and financially. Perhaps I could say I am financially independent to make myself a living today. But not for the unnecessary needs I desire like travelling, shop anything I want. I still have limits and should control my expenses. I am not happy with that. I was told to struggle it a bit more as to master a field is not instantly gained in months. They suggest me 2 years, but it way too long for me. I set it to be 1 year. Now I am planning for the next career path and opportunity for myself. To be honest I still longing to live abroad with coat in winter. And for now, to ease myself I join a Japanese class. To tell that I am not wasting my time and on progress to learn something new.

Comparing myself with what others had achieve on my age is challenging and motivating. I feel alive when I am working hard finding way to grow myself to be better even though it is devastating at one point. I always feel so bad when I waste my day off doing nothing in my room just with Korean drama and phone. I felt I was wasting all the achievements I gather on my past, that’s not how I supposed to be. That’s why I always try to make myself busy and productive. Since college year, I grow up for almost 5years in a growing environment. I always had a thinking that I need to keep moving so I won’t get left behind. Friends and mom said I was way too rush and I need to slow down. I have been wanting more and keep chasing the pace others did. But perhaps, now I need to find my own pace in polishing myself.

Yesterday I read an article on facebook, it is a very good and inspiring read. It calms me down.

Work in your “time zone”. Your Colleagues, friends, younger ones might "seem" to go ahead of you. May be some might "seem" behind you. Everyone is in this world running their own race on their own lane in their own time. God has a different plan for everybody. Time is the difference.

Should I say, I’m already 23 or I’m just 23? Well, now I am trying to find my own pace and learn to embrace my time zone. Maybe that will do me better. well, at least today i didn't waste my day off :)

22Feb 2017
@ Bali Bakery

Tuesday, December 13, 2016


It is December, 2016 almost reach it's end, and I am now 23! Gosh. I never though time could slip that fast. I am now no more a student and am encountering adult life. Like literally adult who is responsible for her future and finance tho.

As it is the end of the year, I would like to conclude how these 12 months had been. This year is the time where i had significant new chapter of my life. Yes, I am a bachelor graduate this year and an employee! But let’s start how i start this year.

My very first memory of 2016 is: 小鹿。So back in Shanghai there is a guy who is 4years younger than me had a crush on me. And on the first day of 2016 we were having tea in a lovely dog cafe. I always love dog but never had one, and I am more than happy when someone could arrange it specially for me. He is young in age and any other way, he is tall yet I always love the way he dress. The turtle neck sweater just suit him perfectly! I knew him from one of my friend. But unfortunately his butterfly on me didn’t last long as I close my door for him. I like the way he did cute things for me which is unpredictable. He treated me just the way boy his age treated his crush. That makes me feel young again and I like it! But it was a bad thing to let it goes on if i didnt had any intention, so better did not hurt futher.

What makes me close my door to him… is that at that moment I was still on a complicated status with some guy. It was complicated,  I was all uncertain of what i was holding and we are not at the age for a story where love is what we need. I couldn't give him any confirmation nor something certain for him to hold on and fight for. I just hold him back on me. Yet the sad thing is, what we love about each other is not strong enough to make us let go of what we have. We have our own aim and goals. Sadly they are two complete different path. Long distance isn’t easy at all. I need someone to have meals face to face. To walk on the pretty light street, not just a person that I can see only on the small square profile picture in the chat room, while I was walking home with only my only shadow. I admit within all boys I’ve encountered before,he makes me feel safe and comfortable the most. I always love when at some point he put me on his priority, his gentleness and how cute it was when he try to impress me. He always try his best to understand and go on with the things I like or feel. And i still remember when he was driving, he took a look on me. he said nothing but just smile and keep driving then. Who didn’t like to be treated as someone's special? just want to thank you for your past feelings on me and that you have accepted me just the way I am with all my flaws back those days. I genuinely appreciate having you for a moment and you have been placed in one special corner in my heart back then. Even though in the end I am no more your priority. I can not blame anything cause you deserve the things that I have also looking for. Someone that could give you what I still couldn’t give you yet. Of course I am sad at first, but I try to be happy for you. Someone once said, once you fall in love, you will never be friend anymore. Now I truly understand what it means.

Seems like it is not the time for me to have a happy love story. My friendship life was not that colorful as well. But I started to move on that my tolerance were far much better than those in September 15. I live my life mostly by myself since then, my friend circle were not as wide as before anymore. Yeah shit happens, lucky me I still have my crazy roommate! He surely kills my boredom as she talks a lot every night. She is the best roommate I have ever have. We have our own life to tell and share nightly, we were living pretty well together as a roommate. Besides, I also had a very great team during my internship. I started my internship in VNU Exhibition shanghai since last dec 2015. I really appreciate how every of my colleague is treating me nicely! Even though sometimes I receive some sort of discrimination between laowai and Asian people like me, but in general I was having a great time with them! I even took part in their parody show for VNU birthday party. It was such a nice experience of work! But one thing that makes me love the most is that the office is located in the heart of Shanghai, JingAn district. It was kinda annoying when it took approximately 1h from my dorm, to squeeze in the metro during rush hour, but it was a life time wothy experience! My office was in the middle of lots of luxury brand like miu miu, cartier, tiffany&co, hermes etc. I enjoy bundle up in the cold air, walking to the metro station, waiting for the traffic light and seeing myself surrounded by the fancy and clean path way after over time work,. I was working in a prestigious district in one of the most metropolis country among the world! How come I didn’t feel proud?

I finish my internship at VNU by the end of March. My school was not that busy actually. I have only less than 5 classes, and only busy for my thesis by May. Between April and May I just enjoy my life, my dorm and my pressure-less life! At that time I didn’t have a lot of activity, except made some money teaching Bahasa to a Greek man named Harry wandering, walking around the street and cooking with my roommate (well actually we cook less than 5 times in a year). Talking about my roommate again I remember 1 day which she frightened me as hell. It was the end of spring at early morning when the sun has risen around 5am, I was still in the middle of my sleep when suddenly I waken up by my hardly drunk roommate who slam the toilet door and sleep inside the toilet! Hahaha.

Meanwhile at those days, at one point is I was quite panic and anxious while my surrounding friends found their job while I was stil….. aimless and totally clueless. What do I want to do in the future? Will I stay in Shanghai and be career woman in this pricey and polluted city? Ah yes, at that moment I was still suffering in acnes. It just never met a recover and I’m kind of hopeless that I started to get used to it. I have no clue what is wrong, is it my body? The city? The water? The food? The cooking oil? IDK.

Thesis and job hunting what fills my last moments of college life. there was one day when i had 6session of interview within a day, it was truly exhausted! I first decide to try my best finding one in Shanghai with Bali as my back up. But I surely won’t go back to my home town as there is no job that met my interest. I will feel really depress and fail If I went back to be honest. I did a lot of interviews and made it at Reed Exhibition company. It is a larger in scale compare to VNU but I am quite dislike to the location of the office. It is just far below compared to the luxury Jing An. But I need a job and I didn’t want to fail it after I did it to the next step of interviews.

The news for my future job is still uncertain when I was having my inauguration day. But I don’t give a shit it was one of my biggest day in my life! I had mom came to my ceremony, I was so excited to wear my black dress and graduation hat, I drop happy tears and can’t hold to hug my mom on that day right after the ceremony was done. I feel really painful inside knowing that I will leave this pretty university, I feel sad to say goodbye to all the sweet and sour memories took place within these 5 years. It was 5 summer, 5 autumn, 4 spring, 5 winter. They were a long time but they happen just too fast. I am not ready yet. And I cry happy tears for all the struggle made and support received that I make it today. It was not an easy things to graduate from China’s top 5 university with all the readings and math problem solving which I kept complaining about years ago. It was bloody painful on the first 2 years, but the hard work were paid off. I meet great peoples, I have a brighter and wider view to this world and life. At there I grew up in many different way. Thank you Fudan and thank you all the people I met in Shanghai! I could not lie that I left my heart in Fudan and I left my soul in Shanghai. :’)

I always dream of my graduation trip. I have it came true with my mom and 2 other friends on Beijing and inner Mongolia trip! It was such an unforgettable trip riding a horse on a wide green field with the ice rain and riding a super cool motor in a dessert! This trip just worth each penny. I will come back again one day. After that celebration I get back to reality, it is far more serious now: find a job or I’ll be a graduate jobless. Sounds pathetic. I remember it was summer, there were pretty sky line almost every day from the window of my dorm. The iconic pearl tower were so small even smaller than my pinky finger, there were tall building lining up from the left to the right. I hate this city once, but my love is greater than that disappointment. I left my heart in this city and I left part of my soul the pretty old days in Shanghai. I am not ready and I don’t know how to say good bye until I had to go back. I made It to the final interview with Reed Exhibition, but I encounter some issue while working on the visa. The new regulation from Shanghai government require any foreign worker to have at least 2 years of working experience to legally hold the working visa. I had no choice that I need to pack my stuff, 5 years of stuffs.

After it was confirmed that I need to leave for good, I started to appreciate every little things there day by day. I could not get bored yet getting more emotional looking to the crowded city scape from my dorm, I enjoy my favorite teppanyaki tofu meals at WE coffee bite by bite, I try to memorize and reminiscing the story behind the cricket noise on that humid hot summer breeze, I walk more often and observe my shadows even deeper. They have been a beautiful moments and melancholy. It still gives me warmth inside till today. Packing stuffs were a devastating task. It was really hard for me to left my stuffs. Ain’t I only had a certain capacity to bring home. A person should live on the present not to trap in the future more over the past. I knew that theory but It was hard as hell to implement. 22nd of July 2016, I cried so hard. I don’t remember when was the last time I cry that hard. Thank you deng pao for sending me off to taxi. I still remember in front of gate when it was late night we share the last hug and you told me good luck. You have been annoying a lot of times but you were the most supportive and master of advice when I was clueless within 4years of our friendship. My eyes stated to get wet when I was waiting for the taxi, even wetter when I walk to the road. The sky was dark, it was so quiet and I took the last glimpse to that high blue dorm building, I cried hard literally hard when I pass through the dorm gate and leaving Yang Pu from the taxi. The tears keep falling and I could not hold them. I remembered the yellow light that lined up in the high way. The sky was dark. There were a long and round road line in front of me. Seems like this city just trying to send me back in silence. There is no traffic the taxi is driving fast that my eye could not catch the view that left behind from the mirror. I was still crying, the tears just couldn’t stop. I am not ready. I am not willing to leave those 5years. I want to live them again. I could not hold but cry and cry, crying as hard as I can. I felt pain on my chest. I could not control my breath at one point. The driver keep driving and left me in silent. It was the sickest good bye I have ever encounter in my life. I stop crying minutes before I reached the airport. And my eyes felt just sour and stiff.

To be continued…