Tuesday, April 29, 2014

it always come late

so lately i've been thinking back, precisely since i had myself infused in the hospital last sunday (actually infusion medication is very common in china's hospital,they even had a hall for infusion medication just like a waiting room with rows of chair equipped with those tubes with liquid flows drop by drop). my first time having an infusion and i think it works! literally, i feel some of my energy back, idk is it bcos i dont set my schedule that hectic again after infusion or whatever, at least i feel better now :)
btt, now i've woke up that i've lost my balance point for study, social and health. my health had been neglected like seriously. so starting from now till mid of May, i'll finish all my task first (including 2days performance for Wonderful Indonesia, 3days of PPIT Kongress, Fudan's Int Culture day+all preparation+ 1report+1translation+2paper+2presentartion) hope it all did well. afterwards, i'll set myself back on track, STUDY+SELF TREATMENT! it has been long since the last time i take care of my body, though i never do it seriously, but i aim to make it better now. i'm on my 20 and my appearance play a big role haaa!!

last but not least, i've been regretting abt sth. i never know that i'm felling regret till i recount it and it keeps on hanging in my mind for the last 3days, everytime i went to bed it comes. i think my mistake was i aimed and focused too much on sth that eventually dont worth my time, meanwhile i neglect those that actually deserve my attention. stupid me, i really feel dumb after these 6months of time, ive just realize ive lost it which is actually meaningful to me. i regret. i make mistake. its my fault. i havent say sorry and i... i dont know where else to start, or im too ruthless to start it all over at this point. i got no right to do it. now i find no way to apology my stupidness to make u as an option. i hope you know that i feel sorry right now. i'm sorry...

regretting...

林佳莳

Saturday, April 26, 2014

tangled threads

hi blogger!
i'm back again with my red nose. ya, i got so many things in my mind right now and it did crumbled me up mentally. especially tonight, im not sure because im under drugs (medicine) or what, but im feeling so uneasy and fidgety inside. i try to find the reason and it is a tangled threads.

it comes from many aspects of my life, study, family, friends, and you know it. i try to solve everything one by one.
for study, now i get myself a private math tuition (i havent mention that i failed 1math subject which is linear algebra last semester and will retake it next semester, and in this semester i get another math subject, probability&statistics wth that exact teacher who gave me an F, you know that i was freaking out as i dont get what this semester's math is about.) for my life, i think i set a goal too high and aimed too much that i miss my balance point. Im literally too busy right now that i dont have my quality friday night or the so called weekend. and now i suddenly realize maybe this is one of the reason why i cant have a good sleep quality recently. i think a lot every time i went to bed and it tortured me more with my bad influenza. i can't breath well yesterday and woke up in the middle of night. i hope it wont spread into my asthma. it sucks. really :( it relate more in my physical condition. i hardly feel that my body doesnt cooperate well recently. i get tired so easily like very unusual, anytime i went back from school or any activity that last till 5pm for example, my body won't be in good condition anymore for the rest of evening and night. that bother me and bother my hectic daily schedule so badly. otherwise i need to take a nap just to have an effective working body and mind for my night. my body sounds so old isnt it? it didnt happen to me when im on highschool where i can have a full schedule from 7am to 10pm. i did looking for the reason, is it because im a veggie that i lack of nutrition? no, im a veggie too when im on HS. so is it because im getting old that my immunity system has change as well? or is it because the environment that i live today is not appropriate for me? and the worst ive ever thought, is it because i was infected by some disease? well i try not to be ridiculous but im not brave enough to have myself a medical checkup. just by thinking of it, it makes me feel bad. i don't wanna make it deeper. for my family, it is complicated. and things that i proud the most, i have parents that love me beyond anyone, my mama n papa. they are the most supportive parents i'll ever have. i'm grateful to have them as who they are. i love you both papa and mama.. i promise myself to make a phone call more frequently and your little daughter is trying her best to make you guys proud! :) :) :)
for friendship, i have many friends. ya friends. but honestly, i can't really talk heart to heart to any of my friend. not because they are not my good friend, nor a good listener or what. but, im not that kind of girl who can tell my thought easily. introvert? i think i am. somehow i try to spread it out but i'll feel myself as a super needy, i dont know whether they want to listen  to me or not and i'll be so boring yet annoying if they dont. if that it wont solve my problem and it makes me even worse i think. but i wont doubt to type here. as i speak my feeling pretty well here and perhaps just those who are interested to know about how im doing can and be free to read this very long noises, without any burden to listen by a responsibility as a good-friend to listen like verbal conversation do. somehow, i feel that i've talk to a friend by updating my blog. even it's virtual but it increase my satisfaction and im fine tho. for my love life, since i started to realize i'm missing my balance point, i regret a lot. yes a lot. who doesn't dream to have a companion in your campus at least 5days a week, someone who will not make you walk home alone, make you stay in class studying in your free time with completely stranger, having someone you can ask for what to have for lunch and dinner, and get someone by your side to share the blossoms of springs and evening shadows in the corridor around campus? i was given that chance but i miss it and i don't even realize it till that day when i feel lost. i'm feeling completely regret and guilty to miss him. to be lost is the toughest learning. yes he didn't try longer towards me like others did that i barely think he don't worth my feeling, but recently it keeps trolling in my mind only if i give a single response, maybe my campus life today will change. ever cross my mind, what if  today i give a try? no i won't, im too stiff, i use that 'fully scheduled days' as my reason. rational or not but i've did it that way.
so now, whatever it is, i've decide to focus on my lefted-responsibility till the end of this semester, early July. after that perhaps i'll have a new milestone for my campus life. sure ill set my new resolutions, give myself a turning point, have myself a brand new quality life and get it all better!
GOODLUCK FOR ME AND  GOODLUCK FOR YOU GUYS! THANKYOU!!!!!!



with lots of love and sneeze,
林佳莳

Monday, April 7, 2014


林佳莳

i'll forget this one too

Hi blogger! It really has been a while since my last update. I know this post will sounds immature, but today i just can't be more heartbreaking that i want to release the mess in my mind even it's spoken in words.
There's something which really disappoint me, of having a friend who i had trusted like family and end up like this. It's okay if you cant accept a pure boy-girl friendship but i hardly believe that until this point you have a thought that along this time i take you as a friend just for granted.  it hurts me much not because the bad thought of me, but how this destroyed my faithful towards you as a good friend i've put believe on. you disappoint me, and makes me really hurt inside. i think once is enough. I hope you'll have good days ahead and thank you for your either initiative or forced supports. I used to appreciate it well. bye.