Sunday, November 16, 2014

effete

Hi blog, i'm glad that i can proceed to you at this moment. I literally mean that...

Exactly half year since my last post, and how's life?
meaningful, complicated, effete.
I'm just tired physically and mentally. my bad that i only show up and remember you, my blog, when i was upset. But then i really appreciate that i got you as my most comfort zone, remedy for all the things that i hold inside. i used to ponder over why is it so hard for me to express my feelings to people surrounds me. And i figured out that i'm just afraid of how they will react and judge upon my attitude, my faults that will just made me regret letting others know. Call me naive, i accept that..

And recently, i think i've made a big mistake. That perhaps has teared me up..
I am sad, I really want to cry it all right now at this moment............
Things have turn to this point. I was trying hard not to care and focus on others. But that antagonism eventually had followed me every time when i was alone, that terribly impacts me mentally..
That 2 persons, used to be where i can share every of my bad, but now they are those i have no courage to start a conversation with.

Now i know why people have to be realistic. Yes, along this way I lived in a life that was driven by feelings which is still immature that have causes others to broken hearted. When it comes to all the negative judgements, i worry much, that makes me feel totally terribly that i wish i have a reset button in my life. And to be honest, now i'm not confident and really feel weary to show up in 'their' friend circle, especially in the circle that i've been judged as a self-centered girl who had taken someone for granted. I don't blame the way they judge because that is what they see in their point of view, but i just hope they somehow know i'm not that girl who did that deliberately.
I always thought it is okay to give some try on things that i can't made up yet, i was always afraid to let someone hurt that sudden and direct, without concerned more about how their time will get wasted on my 'try',  the disappointment it could bring upon it, and the judgement others will exposes to me. That is where my mistake rooted. Now I learn to be heartless, to give up upon the things i want to give a try, just to avoid myself from troubled. I need to sacrifice all the possibilities even they may give a win-win solution. They show me what is reality. Reality hurts. And someone who is hurt because of me, just make me hurt even worse.

just 1 month ago, i decide to give a try on a relationship. I admit i was not having a 100% love on him, but i was about to give a try to learn how to love someone more. I know my decision was kinda impromptu and i didn't think much when he asked me, i just listen to my heart, neglect all the people surrounds me and i said 'yes, maybe i can give a try'.
Knowing i was in a relationship, my really good friend called A congrated me, idk why A's congrats makes me feel uneasy. when I haven't get a chance to tell A my recent, A seems to had go far away. There's even a bigger gap between us. I accept it. I respect his decision.

Everything seems to be okay in the first two weeks, but there is a but. When i'm still in my trying path then obstacles come, judgement comes, i started to think much and with others elements inside, i realize i can't set him as my priority, we made mistakes, he asked me to give him a chance, but judgement, judgement, and judgement. I really had a nightmare on judgement, i don't want to make another longer mistakes. i started to lose my willingness to try, to be heartless is what end up this relationship.

things go on,

i regret, i was not supposed to say 'yes' to him at the first time, a break up eventually really hurt his heart, that there is no way to be friend for him now. He used to treat me special along this time, but just in a night everything changed. Today, when we passed by no single smile he gave, yet the way he looked at me give me that sort feeling of hatred that i was not even worth an eye for him.
And again, my 'try' leads to this point. For this relationship, i had sacrifice my relation with a really good friend A. Now, i lost him as a friend.

I'm good at creating enemy

Welcome to the new era
They say beware of m, this is true

林佳莳