It
is December, 2016 almost reach it's end, and I am now 23! Gosh. I never though time could
slip that fast. I am now no more a student and am encountering adult life.
Like literally adult who is responsible for her future and finance tho.
As
it is the end of the year, I would like to conclude how these 12 months had been. This year is the time where i had significant new chapter of my life.
Yes, I am a bachelor graduate this year and an employee! But let’s start how i start this year.
My
very first memory of 2016 is: 小鹿。So back in Shanghai there is a guy who is 4years younger than
me had a crush on me. And on the first day of 2016 we were having tea in a
lovely dog cafe. I always love dog but never had one, and I am more than happy
when someone could arrange it specially for me. He is young in age and any other way, he is tall yet I always love
the way he dress. The turtle neck sweater just suit him perfectly! I knew him
from one of my friend. But unfortunately his butterfly on me didn’t last long
as I close my door for him. I like the way he did cute things for me which is
unpredictable. He treated me just the way boy his age treated his crush. That
makes me feel young again and I like it! But it was a bad thing to let it goes on if i didnt had any intention, so better did not hurt futher.
What
makes me close my door to him… is that at that moment I was still on a
complicated status with some guy. It was complicated, I was all uncertain of what i was holding and we are not at the age for a story where love is what we need. I couldn't give him any confirmation nor something certain for him to hold on and
fight for. I just hold him back on me. Yet the sad thing is, what we love about each other is not strong enough
to make us let go of what we have. We have our own aim and goals. Sadly they are two complete different path. Long distance isn’t easy at all. I need someone to
have meals face to face. To walk on the pretty light street, not just a person
that I can see only on the small square profile picture in the chat room, while I was
walking home with only my only shadow. I admit within all boys I’ve encountered before,he makes me
feel safe and comfortable the most. I
always love when at some point he put me on his priority, his gentleness and how cute it was when he try to impress me. He always try his best to understand and go on with the
things I like or feel. And i still remember when he was driving, he took a look on me. he said nothing but just smile and keep driving then. Who didn’t like to be treated as someone's special? just want to thank you
for your past feelings on me and that you have accepted me just the way I am with all
my flaws back those days. I genuinely appreciate having you for a moment and you have been
placed in one special corner in my heart back then. Even though in the end I am no more
your priority. I can not blame anything cause you deserve the things that I have
also looking for. Someone that could give you what I still couldn’t give you
yet. Of course I am sad at first, but I try to be happy for you. Someone once
said, once you fall in love, you will never be friend anymore. Now I truly
understand what it means.
Seems like it is not the time for me to have a happy love
story. My friendship life was not that colorful as well. But I started to move
on that my tolerance were far much better than those in September 15. I live my
life mostly by myself since then, my friend circle were not as wide as before
anymore. Yeah shit happens, lucky me I still have my crazy roommate! He surely
kills my boredom as she talks a lot every night. She is the best roommate I have
ever have. We have our own life to tell and share nightly, we were living pretty well together
as a roommate. Besides, I also had a very great team during my internship. I
started my internship in VNU Exhibition shanghai since last dec 2015. I really
appreciate how every of my colleague is treating me nicely! Even though
sometimes I receive some sort of discrimination between laowai and Asian people
like me, but in general I was having a great time with them! I even took part
in their parody show for VNU birthday party. It was such a nice experience of
work! But one thing that makes me love the most is that the office is located
in the heart of Shanghai, JingAn district. It was kinda annoying when it took
approximately 1h from my dorm, to squeeze in the metro during rush hour, but it
was a life time wothy experience! My office was in the middle of lots of luxury
brand like miu miu, cartier, tiffany&co, hermes etc. I enjoy bundle up in the cold air, walking to the metro station, waiting for the traffic light and seeing myself surrounded by the fancy and clean path way after over time work,. I was working in a prestigious district in one of the most metropolis
country among the world! How come I didn’t feel proud?
I finish my internship at VNU by the end of March. My
school was not that busy actually. I have only less than 5 classes, and only busy for
my thesis by May. Between April and May I just enjoy my life, my dorm and my
pressure-less life! At that time I didn’t have a lot of activity, except made
some money teaching Bahasa to a Greek man named Harry wandering, walking around the street and cooking with my roommate (well actually we cook less than 5 times in a
year). Talking about my roommate again I remember 1 day which she frightened me
as hell. It was the end of spring at early morning when the sun has risen
around 5am, I was still in the middle of my sleep when suddenly I waken up by
my hardly drunk roommate who slam the toilet door and sleep inside the toilet!
Hahaha.
Meanwhile at those days, at one point is I was quite panic
and anxious while my surrounding friends found their job while I was stil…..
aimless and totally clueless. What do I want to do in the future? Will I stay
in Shanghai and be career woman in this pricey and polluted city? Ah yes, at
that moment I was still suffering in acnes. It just never met a recover and I’m
kind of hopeless that I started to get used to it. I have no clue what is
wrong, is it my body? The city? The water? The food? The cooking oil? IDK.
Thesis and job hunting what fills my last moments of
college life. there was one day when i had 6session of interview within a day, it was truly exhausted! I first decide to try my best finding one in Shanghai with Bali
as my back up. But I surely won’t go back to my home town as there is no job
that met my interest. I will feel really depress and fail If I went back to be
honest. I did a lot of interviews and made it at Reed Exhibition company. It is
a larger in scale compare to VNU but I am quite dislike to the location of the
office. It is just far below compared to the luxury Jing An. But I need a job
and I didn’t want to fail it after I did it to the next step of interviews.
The news for my future job is still uncertain when I was
having my inauguration day. But I don’t give a shit it was one of my biggest
day in my life! I had mom came to my ceremony, I was so excited to wear my
black dress and graduation hat, I drop happy tears and can’t hold to hug my mom
on that day right after the ceremony was done. I feel really painful inside
knowing that I will leave this pretty university, I feel sad to say goodbye to
all the sweet and sour memories took place within these 5 years. It was 5
summer, 5 autumn, 4 spring, 5 winter. They were a long time but they happen
just too fast. I am not ready yet. And I cry happy tears for all the struggle
made and support received that I make it today. It was not an easy things to
graduate from China’s top 5 university with all the readings and math problem
solving which I kept complaining about years ago. It was bloody painful on the
first 2 years, but the hard work were paid off. I meet great peoples, I have a
brighter and wider view to this world and life. At there I grew up in many
different way. Thank you Fudan and thank you all the people I met in Shanghai!
I could not lie that I left my heart in Fudan and I left my soul in Shanghai.
:’)
I always dream of my graduation trip. I have it came true
with my mom and 2 other friends on Beijing and inner Mongolia trip! It was such
an unforgettable trip riding a horse on a wide green field with the ice rain
and riding a super cool motor in a dessert! This trip just worth each penny. I
will come back again one day. After that celebration I get back to reality, it
is far more serious now: find a job or I’ll be a graduate jobless. Sounds
pathetic. I remember it was summer, there were pretty sky line almost every day
from the window of my dorm. The iconic pearl tower were so small even smaller
than my pinky finger, there were tall building lining up from the left to the
right. I hate this city once, but my love is greater than that disappointment.
I left my heart in this city and I left part of my soul the pretty old days in
Shanghai. I am not ready and I don’t know how to say good bye until I had to go
back. I made It to the final interview with Reed Exhibition, but I encounter
some issue while working on the visa. The new regulation from Shanghai
government require any foreign worker to have at least 2 years of working
experience to legally hold the working visa. I had no choice that I need to
pack my stuff, 5 years of stuffs.
After it was confirmed that I need to leave for good, I
started to appreciate every little things there day by day. I could not get
bored yet getting more emotional looking to the crowded city scape from my
dorm, I enjoy my favorite teppanyaki tofu meals at WE coffee bite by bite, I
try to memorize and reminiscing the story behind the cricket noise on that
humid hot summer breeze, I walk more often and observe my shadows even deeper.
They have been a beautiful moments and melancholy. It still gives me warmth
inside till today. Packing stuffs were a devastating task. It was really hard
for me to left my stuffs. Ain’t I only had a certain capacity to bring home. A
person should live on the present not to trap in the future more over the past.
I knew that theory but It was hard as hell to implement. 22nd of
July 2016, I cried so hard. I don’t remember when was the last time I cry that
hard. Thank you deng pao for sending me off to taxi. I still remember in front
of gate when it was late night we share the last hug and you told me good luck.
You have been annoying a lot of times but you were the most supportive and
master of advice when I was clueless within 4years of our friendship. My eyes
stated to get wet when I was waiting for the taxi, even wetter when I walk to
the road. The sky was dark, it was so quiet and I took the last glimpse to that
high blue dorm building, I cried hard literally hard when I pass through the
dorm gate and leaving Yang Pu from the taxi. The tears keep falling and I could
not hold them. I remembered the yellow light that lined up in the high way. The
sky was dark. There were a long and round road line in front of me. Seems like
this city just trying to send me back in silence. There is no traffic the taxi
is driving fast that my eye could not catch the view that left behind from the
mirror. I was still crying, the tears just couldn’t stop. I am not ready. I am
not willing to leave those 5years. I want to live them again. I could not hold
but cry and cry, crying as hard as I can. I felt pain on my chest. I could not
control my breath at one point. The driver keep driving and left me in silent. It
was the sickest good bye I have ever encounter in my life. I stop crying
minutes before I reached the airport. And my eyes felt just sour and stiff.
To be continued…
林佳莳